Good Day.....Sunshine!

What can I say (type)?

Every Once-in-a-Lifetime an Artist creates a vibe of such energy and Emotion that we all stand back and gaze in rapturous Awe/Wonder.

Every 3rd Blue Moon a breakout Performance completely captures all that is Good, Vital, Righteous and Cool in this Game we call L*I*F*E.

Yea...Sometimes someone just comes along and RINGS YOUR BELL, Baby!

And sometimes (praise 'em) they get it On Camera.

So Ladies and (especially) Gentlemen, today I give you the lovely gift of Shiori Kutsuna (Straight out of J-Land, Kid) Shakin' that MoneyMaker for Pocky Sticks!


And for you Older Gentlemen.....yea.......it's OK if you feel just a bit pervy right now but please try not to think those thoughts when you're looking at my Future Ex-Wife.

Thank you.

And May the Gods Bless J-Land and all their glorious CM's (commercials to you)!
posted by Billy at 15:23 | Kyoto (Japan)


Saturday Night Fever (COPS Version)

So I was slowly but steadily pedaling my way home from a delightful Party on Sat. when I was accosted by the Fab 5 of what was surely the most Elite Crimefighting Unit in all of K-Land.

IMG_0569.JPG(For some unknown reason they were tremendously camera shy so sorry... I tried but they kept ducking and dodging)

What was their purpose in stopping me?

Well, other than the general annoying, petty harassment that most inadequate Men-in-Uniform seem to take such pride in, the Po-Po in this neck-of-the-woods actually (believe it or not) take an active, aggressive role in the pursuit and prosecution of Bicycle Thieves and, yes, that is an accurate measure of the prosperity and peace in this Great Nation.

The Lawdogs around here, seriously now, spend much of their very valuable idle time (of which they have plenty) chasing around inappropriate bicycle users.
They got no time for thugs, arsonists, rapists, terrorists, organized crime or random murderers baby, they gotta flag down them bike knockers!

Ya Gotta Love It!

So on that warm and wonderful, lovely, lovely evening Officers Dipshit, Needledick, Closetcase, Asshead and Shitforbrains stopped me, surrounded me and swallowed up about an hour of my life with their meandering and absolutely pointless pursuit of a goal known only to their tiny little minds.
Unfortunately, for them, my ID, passport and bike registration (no kidding) were all in order so, sadly, they were unable to jail and/or deport me but that sure didn't stop them from trying!

Well, what can I say, a fellow Gai-jin (and dedicated Canadien...and no, I don't hold that against him) and I were recently comparing Stopped-by-the-Cops stories and I mentioned my 5 near ridiculous encounters in 3 years with the J-Land Boys-in-Blue.

He tallied up at 7 in the same period of time!

And while this might possibly make sense if you saw me in a dark alley (think American History X but with a bit more anger) one glance at my Canucklehead associate would most likely remind you of that harmless, helpless, hapless and blandly handsome, Generic White Guy from any Hollywood Rom-Com.
Allow me to explain that this is the kind of Guy all Nice Girls (no...I personally don't know any but I do know lots of Good Girls) dream of bringing home to Mom.......I mean he looks about as dangerous as Justin Bieber and the local flatfoots been dogging him like he was Dillinger!

Go figure!

So as our little cross-cultural experience ran along on Saturday evening I treated those upstanding Officers-of-the-Law to some valuable lessons in Idiomatic English Phraseology and Homegrown Slang and they, in turn, treated me to a ride in their very nifty Batmobile.
(please forgive the shaky camera work but I did say I was returning from a PARTY...didn't I)

No Charge Baby!

Unfortunately we finally had to part company as they had to spend their evening hotfooting after confused and confounded bicyclists (yes, I later witnessed them doing same so we can call them lots of things but we mus'nt call 'em lazy) while I had some Very Important Drinking (VID) to do so, at last, we bid each other farewell.....they with their very best extremely insincere apology and I with a single-digit salute.
I'm certain we'll all be exchanging New Years Postcards.

Back Home, right about now, I would most likely be slowly recovering in a cheap hospital while handcuffed to the bed but here in J-Land.....I'm chilling and typing!


posted by Billy at 18:36 | Kyoto (Japan)


6 Random Reasons to love Japan

ryoma sakamoto.jpg

1.) No Fat Chicks!

I know what you're thinking..... surely this must be an exaggeration, right?
Well, in a word- NO.
Yea if we get all technical/statistical with each other then yes...yes.....yes, the blimp-sized female does certainly exist in the Land of the Rising Sun but this bovine breed, ubiquitous in the West, is so incredibly, and gratefully, rare here in J-Land that I can go weeks, sometimes months without spotting one (and consequently have completely forgotten where I stored my harpoon) so please trust me, when it comes to all forms female, I got keen vision and a discerning eye.
Put it this way- If your a chubby-chaser then, brother, you came to the wrong place!

2.) Cops.....Shmops!

Allow me to illustrate.
In most cases (and I'm talking 98.9% of the time) you can stagger around the streets drunk off your ass with an open container of whatever pleases you in your fist, walk up to the nearest Badge, wave your booze in his face and yell,

“Go F**K yourself, Lawdog”!

At which point said Officer-of-the-Law, rather than smashing your skull with his lead-lined nightstick while cuffing you as he and his associates throw a stomp party on your prone, semi-conscious body before then providing you an evenings accommodation as a Guest-of-the-State, will most likely apologize to you for rudely interrupting your evenings revelry as he hurriedly hails you a cab and then bow solemnly as you make your intoxicated getaway while flipping him off and maniacally cacklilng like the Joker from the Dark Knight.
Ain't J-Life grand?

3.) Gametime is On-Time!
Ever need to get where you're going?
Well you can throw your watches away because all you need to check here is the train schedule right in front of your eyes because, Brothers, Sisters and all Others, that Choo-Choo will be EXACTLY on the dot, and I mean the DOT! Believe it or nay, if that timesheet says the train is going to pull up in front of your toes at 9:52 in the AM then you can close your eyes, wait for the sound of the doors opening then check your timepiece if you want but I guarantee it's going to be reading 9:52 and not a minute later. BET!
And I mean every single time, 24/7 with their only breaks coming after midnight and before 5 in the morning when all righteous people already ought to be where their supposed to be anyway.
How do they do it?
Beats me but who cares, just kick back and stow your worries away because you will be there on the button with no excuses. Sorry.
Hell, even the buses arrive on schedule. Miracles do happen!

4.) Mr. Taxi Driver (Kyoto version)

Clean, competent, friendly and efficient, K-Cabbies are a throwback to a much more gentile time in this most modern of J-societies.
Truth- They all sport fresh, pressed uniforms topped off by a nifty chauffeur-style cap and pristine white gloves (I shit you not), they ride in immaculate machines that are almost certainly cleaner than your home (inside and out and they take no small amount of pride in this simple fact), if/when you feel like lifting your baggage into the trunk you're definitely going to have to race them to get there first and please don't worry if you don't exactly know how to get where you're going because they will therefore your only responsibility will be to sit back and enjoy your ride.
Strange but true.
And somehow, miraculously, their cabs never smell like a bad mixture of pimp-oil and curry.

5.) Free Iphones!

I was conversing recently with a friend from the Land-of-the-Free and commenting on the worldwide economic collapse (thanks Wall Street) and its impact on the planet, or more importantly, me when she cut me off with a curt,

“Well, you can afford an Iphone so you must be doing OK!”

Au Contraire!
We're broke like a joke just like so many but last year here in J-Ville Softbank (the cellphone company with exclusive Apple marketing rights in J-Land) wisely decided to offer the Iphone absolutely gratis (that's right FREE, along with a lengthy contract...) in its introductory campaign in order to crack the rock-solid, hardcore Japanese cellphone market.
Don't know what you paid back in the States for your space-age gadget and don't care because the absolutely innovative 3G device I got humming in my pocket didn't cost me a dime.
God Bless J-Land and the O/C Keitai Generation!

6.) Mini-skirts and High-Heels

OK, technically that's 2 reasons but these two should always and forever go together.
Yea, J-Gals got 'em and they ROCK 'EM! (please refer to Reason #1)
Fellas, if you plan on visiting in the Summer time (hell, even in the Wintertime, God bless 'em) then you may want to invest in a swivel for your skull 'cuz you're gonna need it!
Allow me to assure you that if you walk the streets around these parts your head's gonna be spinning like a Tilt-a-Whirl as you try to keep up with all the feminine action and glory.
No, you ain't dead Brother, but you have gone to some lovely version of Heaven so put your tongue back in your mouth, try to look cool and, for F**K sake, quit gawking!

Well.............it's a rainy day so I'm just spitballin'.
Why 6?

Why not, Poindexter.
posted by Billy at 17:19 | Kyoto (Japan)


We are Devo!

On our last lovely Thursday Team Kyoto thought it might be wise to finally visit the renowned Kyoto Manga Musuem



A former elementary school transformed into a stately house of worship for all things Manga.

Easy to get to, affordably priced (\500), accessible to all and user-friendly, this interactive space is a comfortable home away from home to all formerly closeted Comic Book aficionados everywhere.

A celebration of the contribution from the French

And, as an added attraction, on Thursday we accidently wandered into one of the most uniquely bizarre (and arguably original) of J-Land phenomenons-

Short for "Costume Play" Cosplay devotees dress in the outfits (uniforms?) of their favorite Animae characters and then.....


I don't know.

Take photos of each other?
Because that was the only activity on the menu for that sunny afternoon as the Cosplayers vigorously engaged themselves in an non-stop flurry of Kawai posing, idiot grinning and shutter snapping in an all-out, geeked-up, masturbatory photographic frenzy.

I, myself, unfortunately do not speak SuperNerd so I was unable (praise all Gods) to communicate with this most rare sub-species of J-Land Youth.

Good News?
The costumed crowd was about 99.9% female, most of same under the age of 30.
Bad News?
The costumed crowd was about 99.9% female, roughly half of which dressed as......a...... type of male.

So, you do the math but suffice to say that heterosexual Men were not strictly on this breed's list of party requirements and, although I made no official inquiries, visual evidence suggested that very, very few were in attendance and those lonely soldiers were about as welcome at this event as the Flu.

But those gregarious gals in costume weren't about to let a little thing like procreation slow them down!
I guess if you wanted to join in you had to bring your own get-up then pay a small charge for use of their lockers to.....wait for it.......


So, as always in J-Land, if you happen to be a socially retarded adolescent or evolutionary reject whose life's goal and biggest fantasy is to dress in a pink, day-glo dress, a green wig, and heavy make-up while wielding a plastic toy sword as the other dweebs flock around you and beam....

Welcome to Japan!

And who knows...maybe the After-Party RAWKED!

posted by Billy at 17:41 | Kyoto (Japan)




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