05/19/2010

6 Random Reasons to love Japan

ryoma sakamoto.jpg

1.) No Fat Chicks!

I know what you're thinking..... surely this must be an exaggeration, right?
Well, in a word- NO.
Yea if we get all technical/statistical with each other then yes...yes.....yes, the blimp-sized female does certainly exist in the Land of the Rising Sun but this bovine breed, ubiquitous in the West, is so incredibly, and gratefully, rare here in J-Land that I can go weeks, sometimes months without spotting one (and consequently have completely forgotten where I stored my harpoon) so please trust me, when it comes to all forms female, I got keen vision and a discerning eye.
Put it this way- If your a chubby-chaser then, brother, you came to the wrong place!

2.) Cops.....Shmops!

Allow me to illustrate.
In most cases (and I'm talking 98.9% of the time) you can stagger around the streets drunk off your ass with an open container of whatever pleases you in your fist, walk up to the nearest Badge, wave your booze in his face and yell,

“Go F**K yourself, Lawdog”!

At which point said Officer-of-the-Law, rather than smashing your skull with his lead-lined nightstick while cuffing you as he and his associates throw a stomp party on your prone, semi-conscious body before then providing you an evenings accommodation as a Guest-of-the-State, will most likely apologize to you for rudely interrupting your evenings revelry as he hurriedly hails you a cab and then bow solemnly as you make your intoxicated getaway while flipping him off and maniacally cacklilng like the Joker from the Dark Knight.
Ain't J-Life grand?

3.) Gametime is On-Time!
Ever need to get where you're going?
Well you can throw your watches away because all you need to check here is the train schedule right in front of your eyes because, Brothers, Sisters and all Others, that Choo-Choo will be EXACTLY on the dot, and I mean the DOT! Believe it or nay, if that timesheet says the train is going to pull up in front of your toes at 9:52 in the AM then you can close your eyes, wait for the sound of the doors opening then check your timepiece if you want but I guarantee it's going to be reading 9:52 and not a minute later. BET!
And I mean every single time, 24/7 with their only breaks coming after midnight and before 5 in the morning when all righteous people already ought to be where their supposed to be anyway.
How do they do it?
Beats me but who cares, just kick back and stow your worries away because you will be there on the button with no excuses. Sorry.
Hell, even the buses arrive on schedule. Miracles do happen!

4.) Mr. Taxi Driver (Kyoto version)

Clean, competent, friendly and efficient, K-Cabbies are a throwback to a much more gentile time in this most modern of J-societies.
Truth- They all sport fresh, pressed uniforms topped off by a nifty chauffeur-style cap and pristine white gloves (I shit you not), they ride in immaculate machines that are almost certainly cleaner than your home (inside and out and they take no small amount of pride in this simple fact), if/when you feel like lifting your baggage into the trunk you're definitely going to have to race them to get there first and please don't worry if you don't exactly know how to get where you're going because they will therefore your only responsibility will be to sit back and enjoy your ride.
Strange but true.
And somehow, miraculously, their cabs never smell like a bad mixture of pimp-oil and curry.

5.) Free Iphones!

I was conversing recently with a friend from the Land-of-the-Free and commenting on the worldwide economic collapse (thanks Wall Street) and its impact on the planet, or more importantly, me when she cut me off with a curt,

“Well, you can afford an Iphone so you must be doing OK!”

Au Contraire!
We're broke like a joke just like so many but last year here in J-Ville Softbank (the cellphone company with exclusive Apple marketing rights in J-Land) wisely decided to offer the Iphone absolutely gratis (that's right FREE, along with a lengthy contract...) in its introductory campaign in order to crack the rock-solid, hardcore Japanese cellphone market.
Don't know what you paid back in the States for your space-age gadget and don't care because the absolutely innovative 3G device I got humming in my pocket didn't cost me a dime.
God Bless J-Land and the O/C Keitai Generation!

6.) Mini-skirts and High-Heels

OK, technically that's 2 reasons but these two should always and forever go together.
Yea, J-Gals got 'em and they ROCK 'EM! (please refer to Reason #1)
Fellas, if you plan on visiting in the Summer time (hell, even in the Wintertime, God bless 'em) then you may want to invest in a swivel for your skull 'cuz you're gonna need it!
Allow me to assure you that if you walk the streets around these parts your head's gonna be spinning like a Tilt-a-Whirl as you try to keep up with all the feminine action and glory.
No, you ain't dead Brother, but you have gone to some lovely version of Heaven so put your tongue back in your mouth, try to look cool and, for F**K sake, quit gawking!



Well.............it's a rainy day so I'm just spitballin'.
Why 6?

Why not, Poindexter.
posted by Billy at 17:19 | Kyoto (Japan)
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