Saturday Night Fever (COPS Version)

So I was slowly but steadily pedaling my way home from a delightful Party on Sat. when I was accosted by the Fab 5 of what was surely the most Elite Crimefighting Unit in all of K-Land.

IMG_0569.JPG(For some unknown reason they were tremendously camera shy so sorry... I tried but they kept ducking and dodging)

What was their purpose in stopping me?

Well, other than the general annoying, petty harassment that most inadequate Men-in-Uniform seem to take such pride in, the Po-Po in this neck-of-the-woods actually (believe it or not) take an active, aggressive role in the pursuit and prosecution of Bicycle Thieves and, yes, that is an accurate measure of the prosperity and peace in this Great Nation.

The Lawdogs around here, seriously now, spend much of their very valuable idle time (of which they have plenty) chasing around inappropriate bicycle users.
They got no time for thugs, arsonists, rapists, terrorists, organized crime or random murderers baby, they gotta flag down them bike knockers!

Ya Gotta Love It!

So on that warm and wonderful, lovely, lovely evening Officers Dipshit, Needledick, Closetcase, Asshead and Shitforbrains stopped me, surrounded me and swallowed up about an hour of my life with their meandering and absolutely pointless pursuit of a goal known only to their tiny little minds.
Unfortunately, for them, my ID, passport and bike registration (no kidding) were all in order so, sadly, they were unable to jail and/or deport me but that sure didn't stop them from trying!

Well, what can I say, a fellow Gai-jin (and dedicated Canadien...and no, I don't hold that against him) and I were recently comparing Stopped-by-the-Cops stories and I mentioned my 5 near ridiculous encounters in 3 years with the J-Land Boys-in-Blue.

He tallied up at 7 in the same period of time!

And while this might possibly make sense if you saw me in a dark alley (think American History X but with a bit more anger) one glance at my Canucklehead associate would most likely remind you of that harmless, helpless, hapless and blandly handsome, Generic White Guy from any Hollywood Rom-Com.
Allow me to explain that this is the kind of Guy all Nice Girls (no...I personally don't know any but I do know lots of Good Girls) dream of bringing home to Mom.......I mean he looks about as dangerous as Justin Bieber and the local flatfoots been dogging him like he was Dillinger!

Go figure!

So as our little cross-cultural experience ran along on Saturday evening I treated those upstanding Officers-of-the-Law to some valuable lessons in Idiomatic English Phraseology and Homegrown Slang and they, in turn, treated me to a ride in their very nifty Batmobile.
(please forgive the shaky camera work but I did say I was returning from a PARTY...didn't I)

No Charge Baby!

Unfortunately we finally had to part company as they had to spend their evening hotfooting after confused and confounded bicyclists (yes, I later witnessed them doing same so we can call them lots of things but we mus'nt call 'em lazy) while I had some Very Important Drinking (VID) to do so, at last, we bid each other farewell.....they with their very best extremely insincere apology and I with a single-digit salute.
I'm certain we'll all be exchanging New Years Postcards.

Back Home, right about now, I would most likely be slowly recovering in a cheap hospital while handcuffed to the bed but here in J-Land.....I'm chilling and typing!


posted by Billy at 18:36 | Kyoto (Japan)